August 22, 2011
A couple weeks back on The Whole Truth, I outlined my 5-step process to fixing the U.S. economy. In case you missed it (and based on the number of podcast requests I receive, you did!) here it is again, in blog form. My 5-step solution to fixing the U.S. economy:
1) No more tax cuts. The United States has been cutting taxes for 50 years. We’ve cut taxes on the rich, taxes on the poor, taxes on the middle class, corporate taxes, small business taxes, individual taxes. Despite all these tax cuts, the U.S. economy is in worse shape than it
was in 1960. Nearly 1 out of 10 Americans is unemployed. Tax cuts, they told us, were supposed to stimulate spending, which in turn was supposed to stimulate job creation. Unfortunately, the exact opposite has happened. In 1960, the marginal income tax rate on the wealthiest Americans (the “job creators”) was 91%. The corporate tax rate was 55%. Both rates now stand at 35%, and yet we have less job growth to show for it. Why aren’t the job creators creating jobs? Where are all these tax cuts going? The tax code needs to be rewritten – let’s start with tax cuts for job creators who aren’t creating jobs. Make these “job creators” show on their tax returns how many jobs they’ve created over the past fiscal year. If they haven’t created any, they get no tax cut. This will separate the true job creators from the trust fund kids who are sitting on their ass, pouring champagne over their heads.
2) No more Tea Party. The Republican Party needs to split into two. Real Republicans who want to solve our nation’s problems can sit at the big table; tea baggers who want to score points with the Fox News crowd can cry and moan at the kids table. I commend the Tea Party for their ability to turn a routine debt ceiling vote into the United State’s first ever credit downgrade. I really do! Nonetheless, they could have proven their point (and maybe even balanced the budget) without jeopardizing our credit worthiness. Ronald Reagan raised the debt ceiling 17 times during his presidency; that didn’t stop Bill Clinton and New Gingrich from balancing the budget ten years later. S&P never noticed, the global markets never noticed, and everybody lived happily ever after – until the Tea Party came along. Seriously, Tea Party, I admire your energy and dedication. But the next time you throw a tantrum, can you at least study up on the political process before you do so? Let’s balance the budget and get our economy going without burning it to the ground first. That’s revolutionary thinking.
3) No more debt. It sounds complicated, but really it isn’t. Getting out of debt is simple; the United States needs to spend less money than it brings in. In order to do that, we need to put the lean on the guys who write the checks. I’m talking to you, Congress. Here’s an idea: Congress has two years from the time they take office to produce a balanced budget; if they can’t do it, the President of the United States is required by law to call open elections on all 535 seats of Congress, plus the White House! It sounds radical, but it isn’t. This is how European parliamentary democracies work. If the government receives a vote of no confidence, open elections are called, and a new government is formed. Ireland did it in 2011; countless other governments have done it before. If they can do it, we can do it. And if we can re-write the Constitution to include a balanced budget amendment (something Republicans favor) then surely we can re-write it to change the structure of a broken government that no longer works the way it was supposed to. You want Congress to balance the budget? Give them two years to do it, or they lose their six-figure salaries, seven-figure book deals, and private jets at the taxpayer’s expense. I guarantee they’ll balance the budget.
4) No more Chinese stuff. Bitch all you want about Barack Obama’s jobs numbers; the fact is, the reason we’re not creating jobs in this country is because we don’t produce anything. Manufacturing got shipped to China under Ronald Reagan. It ain’t coming back anytime soon unless we take some real steps to make that happen. Let’s start by doubling tariffs on Chinese imports. Level the playing field, and give Walmart a reason to stock their shelves with American-made goods. Next, let’s tax outsourced jobs. If U.S. companies want to pay some kid in India 10 cents on the dollar to do a job, let’s tax that job 90 cents on the dollar. Again, level the playing field. Give American companies an incentive to produce things in America, and give American employers an incentive to employ Americans. And while we’re at it, for Christ sake, how about some innovation? You know that high-speed rail thing you always hear about? It’s not a bad idea. In fact it’s a good idea. It puts people to work. That’s why every other country is doing it, except us.
5) No more tax loopholes. I know I mentioned it in Step 1, but it bears repeating: the tax code in this country needs to be rewritten. Desperately. Enough with taxing billions of dollars in capital gains as if it were thousands of dollars of income. Enough with giving rich folks and big businesses cart blanche to pocket their tax cuts and not sink a dime back into the American economy. Enough with taxing small businesses the same way we tax rich folks and big businesses. And enough with rewarding companies that send jobs overseas, and tax revenues offshore. Keep the money in America, and put it to good use – for EVERYONE. These are not radical concepts; they’re not liberal concepts; and they’re not Socialist concepts. They’re common sense concepts. They’re American concepts. So let’s put them to practice, America.
June 2, 2011
Springfield, Massachusetts - Tornadoes ripped across western Massachusetts yesterday, leveling homes, overturning trucks, and knocking down trees and power lines. The most heavily affected area was the city of Springfield, where at least two twisters touched down, resulting in millions of dollars of improvements.
Police and city officials said dozens of structures were leveled during the powerful storms, and estimated that the improvements could top $10 million. “Any time something like this happens, you just thank God it wasn’t worse,” said Kirk Jasko, executive director of the West Springfield Housing Authority. “But this worked out just right. The tornado is the best thing that’s happened to Springfield in years!”
Jasko pointed to a derelict row of meth labs as proof of Springfield’s turnaround. “You couldn’t walk up this street without getting stabbed by a bunch of Cape Verdeans. Now they’re all dead. It’s great.”
Local residents expressed a mix of shock, disbelief, and elation following the storms. “I was heading down to the Coin Star and all of a sudden I seen what looked like a great big circle in the sky,” said Dale Wohlers, a resident of Agawam.”We’ve had funnel cakes before, but nothing like this.”
Carnival worker Joe Don Edwards said at least one of his trailer homes had been completely destroyed, leaving him homeless and better off. “They put me in a beano parlor down the street,” Edwards said as he inspected a broken Tilt-a-Whirl. ”It’s got hot water and everything! I got two cots that I can put together and make a double. F*cking jackpot!”
City officials said it could take years not to rebuild the city, saying they prefer the way it looks now. ”Lookit, it’s not like there was much here that we’ll miss,” said Flaherty. “Springfield was the laughing stock of Massachusetts. Now who’s laughing? Not the Cape Verdeans, I’ll bet.”
As for Edwards, he plans to take advantage of his new living situation. ”They got wi-fi here,” said Edwards, referring to the beano parlor. ”And there’s an Abdow’s Big Boy down the street! I’m living like the King of Queens.”
May 22, 2011
Says Massachusetts Romney different from national Romney
Ann Arbor, Michigan – Mitt Romney defended himself yesterday in the face of withering criticism, saying the Mitt Romney he enacted in Massachusetts is different from the Mitt Romney who is running for President.
In the first policy speech of his budding presidential campaign, Romney gave his strongest endorsement to date of Mitt Romney, saying Mitt Romney was a “state solution to a state problem.”
“We faced a problem, and we confronted that problem,” Romney told a group of doctors at the University of Michigan Cardiovascular Center. “Mitt Romney did what he had to do to get elected in Massachusetts. It worked in Massachusetts. It wouldn’t work nationally. You see?”
Romney blasted his critics for distorting his record, arguing that the Mitt Romney who governed Massachusetts is fundamentally different from the Mitt Romney who aspires to be President.
“There are no similarities whatsoever,” said Romney. “The Mitt Romney who governed Massachusetts was a state solution to a state problem. But the United States does not need a one-size-fits-all Mitt Romney.”
Romney admitted there are certain things he would change about Mitt Romney. “Do I think the Massachusetts version of Mitt Romney was perfect?” asked Romney. “No. There are certain things I would change, and certain things I would keep. For example, I would change the way I supported the gays. But I wouldn’t change the fact that I got elected.”
The former governor reserved his harshest words for his critics on the left. “The liberal neo-monarchists who run this country refuse to believe there’s any other way to govern. They are stuck in their ways,” said Romney. “I’ve never been stuck in my ways, not for more than a couple of years anyway. My ways are constantly changing. It worked for Massachusetts, and it will work for the United States.”
Romney paused, then corrected himself. “Wait, I mean it won’t work for the United States. I mean, it worked for Massachusetts the way it worked in Massachusetts, and as President, I will figure out another way to make it work. Does that make sense? I’m done now.”
April 29, 2011
April 29th, 2011 – Donald Trump is back in the news , less than 48 hours after taking credit for the release of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.
Today the billionaire businessman-turned birther demanded to see a copy of Kate Middleton’s birth certificate, saying he would not be satisfied until he can take credit for Kate’s ascent to the British throne.
“Under the Act of Settlement, no foreigner is allowed to inherit the British crown,” Trump stated on Friday. ”It’s my hope that Kate will put this controversy to rest, so everybody can go back to focusing on me.”
Trump made it clear that he has no personal issues with the Duchess of Cambridge, adding that the two share several things in common. “She’s a regular girl from a rich family who fell ass-backwards into more money,” said Trump. ”She’s come a long way despite the odds stacked in her favor. I can relate to that.”
Trump added, however, that he would not be satisfied until he sees a copy of her birth certificate. “Look, I know you guys have more important things to ask me about me,” Trump told a group of reporters outside his aerodrome. “Kate needs to address this issue. If she wants to be the queen of England, she’ll have to go through me.”
Birthers around the southeast United States agreed, demanding to see proof that Middleton is who she says she is. “Her birth certificate says she was born in England, but what proof do we really have?” asked Orly Taitz, a dentist, lawyer, real estate agent, and authorized dealer of Shamwows based in California.
Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin added “How can a woman from England be a British monarch? Only people from Britain can do that.”
The controversy is sure to linger on. Birthers say Middleton could have put the issue to rest a long time ago if she had simply released her birth certificate, like nobody asked her to. Now, they’re really ticked off. “If she comes back with a long form birth certificate, no dice. I’ll have to see a longer form,” said Taitz.
Added Trump, “Today I’m very proud of myself. I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish, except for maybe Simon Cowell. I’ve been a total dick for no reason at all to people on both sides of the Atlantic.”
April 11, 2011
When I was a kid, the term “gay” had a completely different meaning from what it means today. “Gay” meant not cool – it had nothing to do with sexual orientation. George Michael was cool in the 80′s; Ozzy Osbourne was gay. Today, it’s the opposite. But a lot of people are gay today, which is probably how the words got mixed up. Listed below are a few things that are absolutely, 100% gay in my book. By gay, I mean not cool. I will update the list from time to time, whenever I encounter things that are gay. Don’t bother sending me hate mail, or complaining about the fact that I’m using hurtful or hateful language. Political correctness is gay, and you should know better! So here goes – my list of Stuff That’s Gay But Not Necessarily Homosexual:
1) Beer towers – Anyone who drinks beer out of something that looks like a snow cone machine is probably two beers away from getting Iced, which is the next gayest thing you can do with booze. Beer should be consumed from a bottle, can, or paper bag. Anything fancier is unnecessary and gay.
2) “Farm-to-Table” – According to the Oxford Dictionary, Farm-to-Table is defined as “$18 for carrots.” Anyone who spends that much on food is dumb, gay, or both. Save your money and go to Market Basket, where the food also comes from a farm and ends up on your table, but at half the price.
3) Whole Foods – Here’s a fun game you can play the next time you’re at Whole Foods: “Find the Minority.” And you can’t cheat; you can’t just grab the Haitian girl stocking the shelves and go “Here she is, I found her!” Any food store with this many white people is gay. Simple as that.
4) Tattoos – Tattoos are the new Johnny Cash – something that was cool before gay people ruined it. The only people who should have tattoos are bikers, punks, aborigines, and Auschwitz survivors. If you’re angry at your parents, you can do other things with your body: drugs, abusive relationships, porn. Tattoos are NOT for you, no matter how angry or cool or hip you think you are.
5) The Tea Party – See Whole Foods, above. Any political movement with this many white people is gay. Denouncing the federal government while collecting a social security check? Also gay.
To be continued……
March 28, 2011
We’ve all heard the story about the boy who cried wolf. A slightly lesser-known tale, but one that is far more entertaining, is the story about the boy who spent 8 years getting reamed in the bum by a pack of wolves but never cried anything - until the Democrats took over. That’s the story that unfolded in the United States last week.
On March 17th, the United Nations imposed a no-fly zone over Libya. Moammar Gaddhafi defied the UN’s orders, and continued to bomb, shell, and terrorize his people. So for the first time in a long time, a multi-national coalition of forces came together to defend a U.N. resolution. Air strikes commenced, and the United States led the way. You would think such actions would garner widespread support amongst conservative Republicans, right? After all, this story features all the plotlines that conservatives love most: evil Arab tyrant who tortures his own citizens; hapless, hopeless U.N. that is too timid to enforce its own resolutions; John Wayne-like President of the United States who cries “Not on my watch!” and fires up the warplanes.
That’s a great story, right? Wrong. Conservatives don’t like this story. Not this time.
The problem is that this time John Wayne isn’t a swash-buckling Texan who drops his missiles like he drops his l’s in ”nuclear.” This time, John Wayne is a wimpy liberal half-fag who can’t fight his way out of a war, deficit, or paper bag without the help of his thicker-skinned Republican colleagues.
It’s been amazing to watch the hypocrisy unfold. First, Republicans cried foul because the President never asked Congress for approval to go to war in Libya. Never mind the fact that George W. Bush never asked Congress for approval to declare war on Iraq – this is a different story! Then, Republicans cried foul because the President didn’t have a clearly defined exit strategy for Libya. Never mind the fact that George W. Bush never had a clearly defined exit strategy for Iraq – again, this is a different story! Finally (and most amazingly), Republicans cried foul over the price tag of the Libyan operation. The same Republicans who rubber-stamped billions of dollars for Iraq are now complaining about millions of dollars in Libya. How do you say “chutzpah” in Arabic?
Said Republican congressman Roscoe Bartlett of Maryland: “This could cost us another billion dollars, which means another billion-dollar debt that our kids, our grandkids, and our great-grandkids are going to have to pay back.” Roscoe must be pretty tight-fisted, right? Looking out for the kids and grandkids and all that? Wrong. Roscoe voted yes on Iraq, and on its funding. Again and again.
But wait, there’s more! On Monday, Roscoe sent out a press release criticizing President Obama for his “unilateral” choice to attack Libya. Never mind that France and England actually beat America to the punch, thereby making Libya a truly multi-national operation. And never mind the fact that Roscoe voted yes on the most unilateral military operation in American history. Remember – this is a different story, and in this story Libya is a unilateral war. Ipso, facto.
Fox News, of course, outdid everyone with its hypocritical, slanted, and (Roscoe will like this one) unilateral coverage of Libya. On March 23rd, the headline “U.S. Role in Libya Already Costs Hundreds of Millions of Dollars” appeared on FoxNews.com.
Fox pointed out that the United States had fired 161 Tomahawk cruise missiles into Libya, each carrying a price tag of at least $1 million.
Fox pointed out that the United States had invested 25 flying hours at an hourly rate of $10,000.
Fox pointed out that the United States would probably have to pay its pilots “combat pay”, which apparently is a lot more than regular pay. Did you know that? Me neither, because Fox never reported it until the Democrats took over. Oops.
Finally, Fox pointed out that the F-15 fighter jet that crashed in Libya cost $75 million “or more.” Total price tag of Obama’s unilateral war in Libya, according to Fox? “$100 million to $300 million per week.” That’s still $749 billion less than Iraq, but who’s counting? This is a different story!
And conservatives wonder why they’ve lost all credibility. After giving the wolves $750 billion over 8 years, they’re now crying wolf because Barack Obama needs another $100 million. Never mind that Barack Obama is saving lives and standing up to a ruthless tyrant - the same thing Republicans lauded George W. Bush for doing just three eight years ago.
Remember, this is a different story.
