POLITICS

President Barack Obama spoke out about the Trayvon Martin case. Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn, Obama said “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.” Which just goes to show that even black people think all black people look the same.

Rumors surfaced this week that Jersey Shore star Snooki is pregnant with her first child. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he announced that he is reconsidering his stance on abortion.

Michelle Obama made waves this week when she appeared at an event wearing a$39 dress from Target. When asked to comment, the millionaire First Lady said “After my husband’s tax proposals, this is all I can afford.”

Drug violence prompted as many as 500 frightened villagers to flee western Mexico this week. There’s no word on where the Mexicans ended up, but in a curious twist, Mitt Romney’s lawn is looking sharper than ever.

On yesterday’s edition of “Hardball”, MSNBC host Chris Matthews called Sarah Palin “profoundly stupid.” Palin was said to be upset about the remark, after first checking with staffers to see what  “profoundly” meant.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released its list of the 25 best-paying jobs for women. Pharmacists, lawyers, and physicians all cracked the top 5, but the number one best paying job for women remains: showing your boobs in Playboy.

China launched its first aircraft carrier this week, a giant warship that measures almost 1,000 feet in length. Some observers mistook the carrier for a Japanese ship, proving that all Asian ships look alike.

Bill Clinton released his Bucket List this week, a list of things  the former president would like to do before he dies. Sources say  Hillary Clinton did not make the list.

An Israeli court cleared two men of faking a burial box that they claimed was from the era of Jesus. When asked to comment, Rick Santorum said, “People in Jesus’s time didn’t bury their loved ones in boxes; the dinosaurs would have dug them up and eaten them.”

A recent poll shows that a majority of Americans support the atomic  bombing of Hiroshima. Support was highest amongst whites, males, and  Republicans, while support was lowest amongst women, Democrats, and  people from Hiroshima.

A bizarre orange goo that invaded a remote Alaskan village was finally identified this week as a type of fungus called “rust.” Officials say the goo is the biggest nuisance to hit Alaska since Levi Johnston.

A 51 year-old Los Angeles County worker died at her desk on Friday afternoon, but her body wasn’t discovered until Saturday. When asked why the body wasn’t discovered on Friday, a County spokesman said, “We’re public employees. Nobody’s here on Friday.”

Charles Barkley announced this week that he has officially abandoned his plans to run for Governor of Alabama, saying that politics is “bad business.” Barkley added that he plans to devote his time to more productive business like drinking, gambling, and drunk driving.

The Chicago Sun Times reports that Alex Rodriguez went “ballistic” after Fox Sports caught his girlfriend, Cameron Diaz, feeding him popcorn at the Super Bowl. Rodriguez said he wasn’t upset by the invasion of privacy, but rather, that the shot made him look totally gay.

A spokesman for Representative Gabby Giffords confirmed today that Ms. Giffords is finally speaking, just one month after being shot in the head. Ms. Giffords first words were, “Did you guys see that shot of Alex Rodriguez at the Super Bowl? He looked totally gay!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced this week that he cheated on his wife and fathered an illegitimate child with a former mistress. Who said the former Republican governor has nothing in common with the Kennedy family?

The company developing the Cape Wind project says its wind turbines could be up and running within a year. Supporters say the turbines are powerful enough to produce the biggest blast of hot air on Nantucket Sound since Ted Kennedy died two years ago.

Russian tennis player Bojana Jovanoski made headlines this week when she accidentally flew to Carlsbad, New Mexico for a tennis tournament in Carlsbad, California. When Sarah Palin heard the news, she said “What a dummy! Everybody knows that California and New Mexico are two different countries.”

Colombia may have to return up to $3.9 billion in tax revenue if a high court declares a government tax reform bill unconstitutional. Colombian officials said the money could have been used to finance a year’s worth of social programs, or roughly one day’s worth of cocaine trafficking.

Two prisoners’ rights groups sued California elections officials this week, claiming that tens of thousands of criminals should be eligible to vote. When asked to explain their position, one group said, “Have you seen the people that voted for George W. Bush? They couldn’t be any stupider than that.”

Republican Senator Mike Lee of Utah took exception to Barack Obama’s statement that states should forbid high school students from dropping out of school until they’re 18. Lee accused Obama ofbeing a liberal elitist, adding “Without high school dropouts, the Republican party wouldn’t get any votes.”

John Kerry showed up to this week’s State of Union address sporting two black eyes. Kerry said he suffered a broken nose during a pickup hockey game, but it was later revealed that Theresa Heinze Kerry punched him in the face after he couldn’t name all 57 flavors.

Outback Steakhouse announced a new promotion this week – they’re offering a free Bloomin Onion to any member of the U.S. armed forces! The joy was short-lived, however, when President Obama announced immediate cuts in VA funding for diarrhea.

President Obama has proposed opening up large portions of the Alaskan coastline to offshore drilling. Until now, the only part of Alaska that was open to public drilling was Bristol Palin.

Bill Clinton released his Bucket List this week, a list of things the former president would like to do before he dies. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro made the list, as well as smoking a cigar without first sticking it in someone’s vagina.

Controversy continues to surround South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Amongst the latest revelations: Sanford was cheating on his wife with a mistress, he flew to Argentina on tax payer funds, and his real first name is Lamont. (That’s a Sanford & Son joke. Dig?)

North Korean hostages Laura Ling and Euna Lee say soldiers along the North Korean border dragged them into the communist country and arrested them for trespassing. When asked to comment on the experience, Lee said We kicked, we screamed, we did everything we could to resist oh wait, that was the plane ride home with Bill Clinton.

Japanese politician Ichiro Ozawa created a stir this week when he called Americans simple-minded and monocellular. A poll found that most Americans would be offended by Ozawa’s comments, if they only knew what monocellular meant.

TMZ is reporting that Steven Slater has been offered a reality series focusing on people who quit their jobs. The show is called Being Sarah Palin.

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the Great Recession of 2009 is officially over. In related news, the National Weather Service is predicting rain in strip clubs around the country.

TMZ is reporting that Steven Slater has been offered a reality series focusing on people who quit their jobs. With record debt, high unemployment, and two wars to worry about, President Obama has asked Slater if there’s any way he can get on the show.

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the Great Recession of 2009 is over. The Bureau points out that unemployment claims are down, total output is up, and the average hip hop entourage has expanded by two bitches and hoes.

In an appearance on Face the Nation, John McCain said that President Obama should adopt some of the Republicans ideas for improving our health care system. The White House was shocked by McCain’s offer, releasing a statement that said Republicans have ideas for health care?

Michelle Obama has announced a new campaign to combat childhood obesity. The program is called Let’s Move. It replaces our current childhood obesity program, which is called Gimme a minute, I have some Arby’s in the microwave.

This past Sunday was July 11th, and to celebrate, 7/11 Stores were offering free Slurpees across the country. Unfortunately, President Obama had to step in and appoint a Slurpee czar after most major healthcare providers announced they would no longer cover brain freezes.

A German man was shot in the head five years ago but didn’t realize it until this week, when he felt a lump on the back of his head. Police say they don’t know who shot the man in the head, but speculate that Dick Cheney may have been visiting Germany five years ago.

Rumors surfaced this week that Sarah Palin got breast implants. Palin has officially gone from a Tea Party favorite to a Double-D Party favorite.

Sarah Palin wrote an op-ed piece in yesterday’s Washington Post in which she criticized Barack Obama’s energy proposals. Democrats were shocked to read Palin’s scathing words, releasing a statement that said Sarah Palin can write?

George W. Bush has completed the first draft of his memoirs. Crown Publishers says the book will cost $35 with crayons, $30 without.

The Sam Adams brewery had to suspend beer production for several days due to a water crisis in Boston. Area drunks declared a state of emergency, and a minor earthquake in Washington D.C. was attributed to the late Senator Ted Kennedy rolling in his grave.

The Pentagon is under fire for failing to check if all its employees were on a list of internet porn viewers. The Pentagon was given a list of 5,200 suspected porn viewers, but only checked about 2/3 of the names. When asked why they didn’t check all the names, a Pentagon spokesman said “Probably because we were too busy looking at internet porn.

CELEBRITIES

Kirstie Alley has revealed that she lost as much as 60 pounds while competing on Dancing With the Stars. When asked to comment on the weight loss, Alley said “It feels great to be down to 400 pounds.”

Chris Brown exploded on the set of Good Morning America this week, breaking a window in a fit of rage. Brown later apologized for his behavior, saying he mistook the window for Rihanna’s face.

Gallagher was awoken from a medically induced coma this week. Doctors say they awoke the comedian by gradually reducing the anesthetics in his system. They put him into the coma by telling him a joke by Gallagher.

Iceland’s Phallological Museum just received its first human penis, bringing its total number of penises to 276. That’s the most number of penises in one room since the previous record of 275, set last night in Kim Kardashian’s bedroom.

Actor Nicholas Cage was arrested in New Orleans this week after he got drunk and allegedly assaulted his wife in the middle of the street. Police say it’s Cage’s worst crime since “Ghost Rider.”

Keith Richard’s daughter was arrested in New York last week. Theordora Richards was charged with one count of destruction of property and one count of possession of drugs, or as Charlie Sheen would call it, two counts of “Winning.”

Gallagher was awoken from a medically induced coma this week, in what doctors describe as a “very intricate” procedure: they put the comedian into his coma with a combination of anesthetics and sedatives. They woke him up by smashing him over the head with a watermelon.

Recent studies show that if marijuana were made legal, it would be a $40 billion-a-year industry. And that’s just in Willie Nelson’s house.

A 55 year-old woman named Cindy Jackson has set a new world record for plastic surgery, with over 52 procedures to date. Jackson says she’s proud to be the new record holder, but Joan Rivers demanded a recount.

“Two and a Half Men” star Holland Taylor defended Charlie Sheen this week. Holland told the AP that Sheen was always cordial and polite, and the two of them watched movies together. When asked what movies they watched, Holland replied “The hell if I know, we were banging 7-gram rocks of cocaine at the time.”

TMZ is reporting that Vivid Entertainment has offered Pippa Middleton $5 million to appear in an adult film. TMZ also reports that Vivid Entertainment has offered Sarah Ferguson $5 million to never appear in an adult film.

Singer Amy Winehouse died this week in London. The news saddened many Brits, especially drug dealers, who requested a government bailout.

Gallagher was awoken from a medically induced coma this week. Doctors say they are now trying to figure out a way to put Carrot Top into a coma.

Abercrombie & Fitch says it has offered a substantial payment to Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing Abercrombie clothes
on Jersey Shore. If the deal goes through, it would be the first time in history that somebody on Jersey Shore has made money by actually doing something.

Jersey Shore star Snooki was in the news this week, saying she would never vote Chris Christie for president. Which proves that despite his large frame, Christie does not necessarily have the fat vote.

A Michael Jackson documentary titled This is It will be released on October 27th. Like most things Jackson did, the film is not recommended for children under 13.

TMZ reports that Steven Tyler was recently spotted at a Home Depot in California, singing songs over the store’s PA system. Aerosmith fans were stunned, and Vince Neil’s agent released a statement saying How come we don’t get gigs like that?

In a recent appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Sarah Palin criticized Levi Johnston’s appearance in Playgirl Magazine by comparing it to porn. The porn industry released a statement that said “Please don’t disparage our industry by comparing us to Levi Johnston.”

Oprah Winfrey says her interview with Whitney Houston is the best interview of her career. Winfrey said her approach to the interview was to not be judgmental in any way, adding that it was particularly difficult when Houston threatened to stab her for drug money.

Hugh Hefner and Kimberly Conrad Hefner have filed for divorce. The Hefners cited irreconcilable differences as the main cause of their split, and said that Hef’s nineteen girlfriends didn’t help either.

“Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis pleaded guilty to one count of bribing a jail guard for food. The guard initially refused to give Francis food, but then reluctantly agreed after Francis offered him Jaeger shots and said he could totally make him famous.

Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury are set to star in a remake of the hit Broadway musical A Little Night Music. If Lansbury pulls out of the project, she will become the second oldest actor to screw Catherine Zeta Jones, after Michael Douglas.

Actress Tori Spelling says her former 90210 castmate Tiffany Amber Thiessen doesn’t acknowledge her. Thiessen said she didn’t even recognize Tori Spelling the last time they met, and thought she was talking to Joan Rivers.

Kelly Osbourne called off her engagement after an online war-of-words erupted between her and her fianc on Twitter. Osbourne tweeted to her fans Thank you so much for your support, but this matter is private – apparently referring to herself, her fianc, and the 190 million other people on Twitter.

Twitter found itself in hot water this week after erroneous Tweets surfaced claiming that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are dead. Twitter explained that it was all part of the marketing campaign for its newest website, www.stuffyouwishwastrue.net.

Sarah Palin has announced she will appear on the Oprah Winfrey show next month. This will be Oprah’s first time meeting the former governor of Alaska, and it will be Palin’s first time meeting a fat black female that isn’t a moose.

Rumors have surfaced that Mick Fleetwood was recently diagnosed with Swine Flu. Fleetwood reassured his fans that he hasn’t been around a pig for years, other than Stevie Nicks.

Television pitchman Billy Mays died this week at the age of 50.  The autopsy results are not in yet, but doctors say they will be available for $19.95 or your money back.

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman was recently spotted hanging out in New York’s Meatpacking District. Suleman’s only other experience with meatpacking has resulted in 8 children to date.

Authorities in California issued an arrest warrant for actor Randy Quaid after he failed to show up in court. Police say this is Quaid’s worst crime against humanity, after Caddyshack II.

The state of California announced that Pamela Anderson owes $493,000 in delinquent taxes. This could be the first time that Pamela Anderson gets screwed by a delinquent since Tommy Lee.

Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 this week to save the famed Hollywood sign that sits above Los Angeles. Other than Viagra, this is the most money Hefner has ever spent to keep something erect.

Kim Kardashian says she’s contracted “Bieber Fever after meeting 16-year-old pop star Justin Bieber. Doctors say Bieber Fever is highly contagious, but should not be confused with a separate disease Kardashian is carrying known as “Beaver Fever.

Bono was released from a hospital in Germany last week after undergoing emergency back surgery. Doctors say Bono’s top two vertebrae collapsed under the massive weight of his swollen head.

Talk show host Montel Williams was cited this week for possession of a marijuana pipe. When asked what a washed up quasi-celebrity can do with himself after being caught with drug paraphernalia, Williams said Probably go on the Montel Williams Show.

Pop superstar Justin Bieber told Vanity Fair Magazine that he sometimes suffers from insomnia. Doctors say the best way to help Bieber fall asleep is to sit him down and make him watch the Justin Bieber episode of CSI.

LIFE

The annual Comic Con conference kicks off tonight in San Diego. The 4-day festival is a celebration of comic books, video games, and people who will never get laid in their entire life.

Residents of Mount Vernon, New Hampshire voted last night to rename a local swimming hole known as Jew Pond. The town council said the
decision angered some residents, so to please everyone, they decided to keep Porch Monkey Lake.

Abercrombie & Fitch has launched a new summer line that includes padded bras for pre-pubescent girls. Abercrombie was universally condemned by civic and religious leaders, except for the Catholic church, which asked if the bikinis come in boy’s sizes.

A Massashusetts school district had to apologize this week after a menu item called “KKK Chicken” accidentally appeared on its Monday morning menu. School officials said “It’s a good thing we didn’t go with our Tuesday lunch special: the Kill the Jews Meatloaf.

A public restroom on Boston Common is being turned into a sandwich shop. Coupled with the McDonald’s across the street, Bostonians now have two establishments where they can eat food that came from a toilet.

A 62-mile traffic jam erupted in China this week. Officials  blame the traffic on road construction and the fact that Asian  people can’t drive.

According to a recent study by the Harvard Institute for Public Health, nearly 90 percent of Americans say they would agree to be tested for Alzheimer’s disease. The other 10% can’t remember.

Officials at the Mall of America say a brawl broke out over the weekend involving over 50 youths. Mall officials say ithey’ve never seen such mayhem, except for every year on Black Friday.

According to a market research firm based in New York, the number of shipments of Easter Bunnies to the United States has decreased 33% over the past four years. Nobody knows why the shipments have decreased, but researchers believe the bunnies are afraid to fly ever since “Snakes on a Plane” came out in 2006.

Police in Austria say thieves made off with 21 tons of ketchup and mustard this week. No arrests have been made, but police are said to be questioning the Hamburglar.

Cheetah the Chimpanzee, the sidekick from the 1930′s “Tarzan” movies, has died at the age of 80 in a Florida zoo. Apparently even monkeys retire to Florida.

A Ukrainian women’s group is protesting the trial of ex-prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko by baring their breasts outside the courthouse. The judge declared a mistrial and demanded that everybody return to the courthouse next week, especially the topless protesters.

Three hundred Chinese factory workers who manufacture Xbox 360s threatened mass suicide last week. Apparently the workers were not protesting substandard work conditions; instead they threatened to kill themselves if Xbox didn’t bring back the old Donkey Kong.

Orange juice futures reversed course and fell 9.5 percent on Wednesday. On the plus side, milk futures are not expected to plummet until the expiration date on the bottle.

McDonald’s announced last week that it has stopped putting explosive chemicals like ammonium hydroxide in its hamburgers. McDonald’s reassured its customers that even without the explosive chemicals, its hamburgers will continue to produce huge explosions in the bathroom.

In New Castle, Pennsylvania, a 40-sq foot Polish sausage smokehouse caught fire in what fire officials are calling “the best smelling fire we’ve had in a long time.” Officials said the worst smelling fire occurred last year, when a tragic explosion occurred during the 43^rd annual New Castle Feces Festival.

13 year-old Tine Valencic won the National Geographic Bee after correctly identifying Ecuador as the country where the Tungurahua volcano is. Valencic won a $25,000 scholarship, a trip to the Galapagos Islands, and the chance to never get laid in his entire life.

British clothing chain Topshop recently unveiled a new line of T-shirts that misspells William Shakespeare’s name. Sarah Palin heard the news and said “Well that’s understandable, British people don’t speak English, only English people do.”

Shape Magazine released its Top 10 list of the most unhealthy drinks this week. Whipped coffee drinks, flavored water, and diet soda all made the Top 10, but the Number 1 most unhealthy drink remains: CYANIDE.

A camel toppled onto a pew full of worshippers at a church in Florida on Thursday. No major injuries were reported, but the camel did land awkwardly on its foot, resulting in a nasty case of camel toe.

The Provincetown school committee has voted unanimously to provide students with condoms. One P-Town resident objected to the decision, saying: I think it sends a bad message to our kids. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to iron my assless chaps.

A giant flotilla of jellyfish stung hundreds of beachgoers in Spain this week. Authorities say the jellyfish have yet to be removed from the beach, because the jellyfish are the only ones in Spain doing any actual work.

Jennifer Mee, better known as the Hiccup Girl after a strange condition caused her to hiccup more than 50 times a minute, has been charged with 1st degree murder. Mee could face the death penalty if convicted. Opponents of the death penalty say killing Mee amounts to cruel and unusual punishment, while supporters of the death penalty say hey, at least we found a cure for her hiccups.

Apple has unveiled its latest piece of technology, a touch-screen laptop called the iPad. The iPad comes in two varieties: a standard version for regular users, and a deluxe iPad with wings for especially heavy flow.

A Tennessee man who was arrested for being naked in public told police he was bored, and didn’t have anything else to do. Legal analysts call this the Paris Hilton defense for public nudity.

JetBlue announced a new promotion this week – they are slashing airfares to most major cities! Prices start at $99 round trip, and that includes taxes, fees, one checked bag, and one expletive-laden tirade courtesy of the JetBlue cabin crew.

TMZ is reporting that Steven Slater has been offered a reality series focusing on people who quit their jobs. TMZ also reports that Brett Favre will star in a new series focusing on people who quit their jobs, go back to their jobs, quit their jobs again, go back to their jobs, take a picture of their penis, then eventually leave their jobs again.

VH1 has pulled the plug on “Megan Wants a Millionaire after one of its contestants, Ryan Jenkins, was named a suspect in the murder of his wife. VH1 announced that the name of the show will be changed from “Megan Wants a Millionaire to Megan Does Not Want a Murderer.

Reality star Jon Gosselin told US Magazine that he’s had enough of being a TV star, and would just like to work a normal 9-to-5 job. Given that he has no discernable talent other than cheating on his wife, Gosselin appears to have a bright future as a pop star, professional athlete, or John Edwards.

Express has introduced a new line of men’s clothing called Producer Pants. Producer Pants are just like regular pants, except they come with a beret and you have to act like a giant douchebag when you wear them.

Police in South Mississippi found a man wandering around a church cemetery naked over the Christmas holidays. When police asked him for his I.D. the man said he was the Ghost of Christmas Horny.