Brian writes jokes. Lots of them. They’re all very funny, except the ones that aren’t. Those jokes were written by someone else! Check out a few samples here just click a category and start readin.
SPORTS
Reality star Tila Tequila accused San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman of choking her this week. Merriman denied choking the 4 11 Tequila, and said the only time he ever chokes is in the playoffs.
The city of Cleveland has been selected to host the 2014 Gay Games. Organizers say the Gay Games are just like the Olympics, except every event is men’s figure skating.
The Carnegie Deli has created a sandwich called the LeBron James. The owners say they named the sandwich after James because it costs $17 million dollars and has never won an NBA championship.
100 students at Wake Forest University have been diagnosed with Swine Flu. This is the largest pig-related outbreak on campus since 1989, when the university created the women’s softball team.
Rumors have surfaced that Tiger Woods may have been sleeping with as many as nine different women. When asked to comment on the 9 women, Woods said he always practices on 18 holes.
Andrew Koenig, the actor who played Boner in Growing Pains, disappeared last week at the Vancouver Olympics. This is the second time in history that a boner has been lost at the Olympics the first time was when I turned on Women’s Weightlifting.
The Boston Celtics will take on the Los Angeles Lakers in this year’s NBA finals. If the Celtics lose, Boston mayor Tom Menino will donate a truckload of lobsters from Legal Seafoods. If the Lakers lose, Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa will donate a truckload of illegal immigrants from Mexico.
Comedian Dane Cook was spotted at the Celtics-Lakers series in Los Angeles, sitting in floor seats behind the net. When asked how he got such great seats, Cook replied The same way I got such great jokes – I stole them from a better comedian.
PATRIOTS DEFENSIVE BACK RODNEY HARRISON ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT LAST WEEK. QUARTERBACKS AROUND THE NFL BREATHED A SIGH A OF RELIEF, WHILE STEROIDS DEALERS APPLIED FOR A GOVERNMENT BAILOUT.
President Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at last night’s Major League All-Star game in St. Louis. Democrats said the President threw a perfect strike, while Republicans said the pitch was too far to the left and beyond the American mainstream.
Three members of the Boston College hockey team, including the son of Ulf Samuelsson, are facing criminal charges after their car crashed this week. Police say the players may face additional charges, including one count of being Ulf Samuelsson’s son.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away yesterday at the age of 80. The media has been unable to obtain a copy of the death certificate, because shortly before he died, Steinbrenner fired the coroner.
NHL players may no longer be allowed to participate in the Olympics. Apparently some people think it’s unfair to have professional hockey players competing against amateurs. To avoid the same problem, professional janitors have now been banned from Olympic curling.
Brazil suffered a shocking defeat in the World Cup, losing 2-1 to the Netherlands. Brazilian coach Dunga said the problem was that Ka Ka played like poo poo and Pee Pee got a yellow card.
TMZ is reporting that a brawl broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding last night. The fight started when the priest asked if there was anyone present who objects to the marriage, and a man later identified as Uncle Elmer stood up and smashed Hogan over the head with a 2 x 4.
POLITICS
Bill Clinton released his Bucket List this week, a list of things the former president would like to do before he dies. Sources say Hillary Clinton did not make the list.
A recent poll shows that a majority of Americans support the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. Support was highest amongst whites, males, and Republicans, while support was lowest amongst women, Democrats, and people from Hiroshima.
Outback Steakhouse announced a new promotion this week – they’re offering a free Bloomin Onion to any member of the U.S. armed forces! The joy was short-lived, however, when President Obama announced immediate cuts in VA funding for diarrhea.
President Obama has proposed opening up large portions of the Alaskan coastline to offshore drilling. Until now, the only part of Alaska that was open to public drilling was Bristol Palin.
Bill Clinton released his Bucket List this week, a list of things the former president would like to do before he dies. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro made the list, as well as smoking a cigar without first sticking it in someone’s vagina.
Controversy continues to surround South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Amongst the latest revelations: Sanford was cheating on his wife with a mistress, he flew to Argentina on tax payer funds, and his real first name is Lamont. (That’s a Sanford & Son joke. Dig?)
North Korean hostages Laura Ling and Euna Lee say soldiers along the North Korean border dragged them into the communist country and arrested them for trespassing. When asked to comment on the experience, Lee said We kicked, we screamed, we did everything we could to resist oh wait, that was the plane ride home with Bill Clinton.
Japanese politician Ichiro Ozawa created a stir this week when he called Americans simple-minded and monocellular. A poll found that most Americans would be offended by Ozawa’s comments, if they only knew what monocellular meant.
TMZ is reporting that Steven Slater has been offered a reality series focusing on people who quit their jobs. The show is called Being Sarah Palin.
According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the Great Recession of 2009 is officially over. In related news, the National Weather Service is predicting rain in strip clubs around the country.
TMZ is reporting that Steven Slater has been offered a reality series focusing on people who quit their jobs. With record debt, high unemployment, and two wars to worry about, President Obama has asked Slater if there’s any way he can get on the show.
According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the Great Recession of 2009 is over. The Bureau points out that unemployment claims are down, total output is up, and the average hip hop entourage has expanded by two bitches and hoes.
In an appearance on Face the Nation, John McCain said that President Obama should adopt some of the Republicans ideas for improving our health care system. The White House was shocked by McCain’s offer, releasing a statement that said Republicans have ideas for health care?
Michelle Obama has announced a new campaign to combat childhood obesity. The program is called Let’s Move. It replaces our current childhood obesity program, which is called Gimme a minute, I have some Arby’s in the microwave.
This past Sunday was July 11th, and to celebrate, 7/11 Stores were offering free Slurpees across the country. Unfortunately, President Obama had to step in and appoint a Slurpee czar after most major healthcare providers announced they would no longer cover brain freezes.
A German man was shot in the head five years ago but didn’t realize it until this week, when he felt a lump on the back of his head. Police say they don’t know who shot the man in the head, but speculate that Dick Cheney may have been visiting Germany five years ago.
Rumors surfaced this week that Sarah Palin got breast implants. Palin has officially gone from a Tea Party favorite to a Double-D Party favorite.
Sarah Palin wrote an op-ed piece in yesterday’s Washington Post in which she criticized Barack Obama’s energy proposals. Democrats were shocked to read Palin’s scathing words, releasing a statement that said Sarah Palin can write?
George W. Bush has completed the first draft of his memoirs. Crown Publishers says the book will cost $35 with crayons, $30 without.
The Sam Adams brewery had to suspend beer production for several days due to a water crisis in Boston. Area drunks declared a state of emergency, and a minor earthquake in Washington D.C. was attributed to the late Senator Ted Kennedy rolling in his grave.
The Pentagon is under fire for failing to check if all its employees were on a list of internet porn viewers. The Pentagon was given a list of 5,200 suspected porn viewers, but only checked about 2/3 of the names. When asked why they didn’t check all the names, a Pentagon spokesman said “Probably because we were too busy looking at internet porn.
CELEBRITIES
A Michael Jackson documentary titled This is It will be released on October 27th. Like most things Jackson did, the film is not recommended for children under 13.
TMZ reports that Steven Tyler was recently spotted at a Home Depot in California, singing songs over the store’s PA system. Aerosmith fans were stunned, and Vince Neil’s agent released a statement saying How come we don’t get gigs like that?
In a recent appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Sarah Palin criticized Levi Johnston’s appearance in Playgirl Magazine by comparing it to porn. The porn industry released a statement that said, Please don’t disparage our industry by comparing us to Levi Johnston.
Oprah Winfrey says her interview with Whitney Houston is the best interview of her career. Winfrey said her approach to the interview was to not be judgmental in any way, adding that it was particularly difficult when Houston threatened to stab her for drug money.
Hugh Hefner and Kimberly Conrad Hefner have filed for divorce. The Hefners cited irreconcilable differences as the main cause of their split, and said that Hef’s nineteen girlfriends didn’t help either.
“Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis pleaded guilty to one count of bribing a jail guard for food. The guard initially refused to give Francis food, but then reluctantly agreed after Francis offered him Jaeger shots and said he could totally make him famous.
Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury are set to star in a remake of the hit Broadway musical A Little Night Music. If Lansbury pulls out of the project, she will become the second oldest actor to screw Catherine Zeta Jones, after Michael Douglas.
Actress Tori Spelling says her former 90210 castmate Tiffany Amber Thiessen doesn’t acknowledge her. Thiessen said she didn’t even recognize Tori Spelling the last time they met, and thought she was talking to Joan Rivers.
Kelly Osbourne called off her engagement after an online war-of-words erupted between her and her fianc on Twitter. Osbourne tweeted to her fans Thank you so much for your support, but this matter is private – apparently referring to herself, her fianc, and the 190 million other people on Twitter.
Michael Jackson will be buried in Forest Lawn Cemetary’s Great Mausoleum, which features replicas of works by Michelangelo and DaVinci. When the directors of the Mausoleum saw Jackson’s body arrive, they said “Whoa! When did we get the Picasso?
Twitter found itself in hot water this week after erroneous Tweets surfaced claiming that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are dead. Twitter explained that it was all part of the marketing campaign for its newest website, www.stuff-you-wish-was-true.org.
Sarah Palin has announced she will appear on the Oprah Winfrey show next month. This will be Oprah’s first time meeting the former governor of Alaska, and it will be Palin’s first time meeting a fat black female that isn’t a moose.
Rumors have surfaced that Mick Fleetwood was recently diagnosed with Swine Flu. Fleetwood reassured his fans that he hasn’t been around a pig for years, other than Stevie Nicks.
Television pitchman Billy Mays died this week at the age of 50. The autopsy results are not in yet, but doctors say they will be available for $19.95 or your money back.
Rumors have surfaced that Janet Jackson may be granted custody of Michael Jackson’s three children. When asked if Janet would make as good a parent as Michael, a source close to the family said “We thought she was Michael.
Octo-mom Nadya Suleman was recently spotted hanging out in New York’s Meatpacking District. Suleman’s only other experience with meatpacking has resulted in 8 children to date.
Authorities in California issued an arrest warrant for actor Randy Quaid after he failed to show up in court. Police say this is Quaid’s worst crime against humanity, after Caddyshack II.
The state of California announced that Pamela Anderson owes $493,000 in delinquent taxes. This could be the first time that Pamela Anderson gets screwed by a delinquent since Tommy Lee.
Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 this week to save the famed Hollywood sign that sits above Los Angeles. Other than Viagra, this is the most money Hefner has ever spent to keep something erect.
Kim Kardashian says she’s contracted “Bieber Fever after meeting 16-year-old pop star Justin Bieber. Doctors say Bieber Fever is highly contagious, but should not be confused with a separate disease Kardashian is carrying known as “Beaver Fever.
Bono was released from a hospital in Germany last week after undergoing emergency back surgery. Doctors say Bono’s top two vertebrae collapsed under the massive weight of his swollen head.
Talk show host Montel Williams was cited this week for possession of a marijuana pipe. When asked what a washed up quasi-celebrity can do with himself after being caught with drug paraphernalia, Williams said Probably go on the Montel Williams Show.
Pop superstar Justin Bieber told Vanity Fair Magazine that he sometimes suffers from insomnia. Doctors say the best way to help Bieber fall asleep is to sit him down and make him watch the Justin Bieber episode of CSI.
LIFE
A camel toppled onto a pew full of worshippers at a church in Florida on Thursday. No major injuries were reported, but the camel did land awkwardly on its foot, resulting in a nasty case of camel toe.
A 62-mile traffic jam erupted in China this week. Chinese officials blame the traffic on road construction, as well as the fact that Asian people can’t drive.
The Provincetown school committee has voted unanimously to provide students with condoms. One P-Town resident objected to the decision, saying: I think it sends a bad message to our kids. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to iron my assless chaps.
A giant flotilla of jellyfish stung hundreds of beachgoers in Spain this week. Authorities say the jellyfish have yet to be removed from the beach, because the jellyfish are the only ones in Spain doing any actual work.
Jennifer Mee, better known as the Hiccup Girl after a strange condition caused her to hiccup more than 50 times a minute, has been charged with 1st degree murder. Mee could face the death penalty if convicted. Opponents of the death penalty say killing Mee amounts to cruel and unusual punishment, while supporters of the death penalty say hey, at least we found a cure for her hiccups.
Apple has unveiled its latest piece of technology, a touch-screen laptop called the iPad. The iPad comes in two varieties: a standard version for regular users, and a deluxe iPad with wings for especially heavy flow.
A Tennessee man who was arrested for being naked in public told police he was bored, and didn’t have anything else to do. Legal analysts call this the Paris Hilton defense for public nudity.
JetBlue announced a new promotion this week – they are slashing airfares to most major cities! Prices start at $99 round trip, and that includes taxes, fees, one checked bag, and one expletive-laden tirade courtesy of the JetBlue cabin crew.
TMZ is reporting that Steven Slater has been offered a reality series focusing on people who quit their jobs. TMZ also reports that Brett Favre will star in a new series focusing on people who quit their jobs, go back to their jobs, quit their jobs again, go back to their jobs, take a picture of their penis, then eventually leave their jobs again.
VH1 has pulled the plug on “Megan Wants a Millionaire after one of its contestants, Ryan Jenkins, was named a suspect in the murder of his wife. VH1 announced that the name of the show will be changed from “Megan Wants a Millionaire to Megan Does Not Want a Murderer.
Reality star Jon Gosselin told US Magazine that he’s had enough of being a TV star, and would just like to work a normal 9-to-5 job. Given that he has no discernable talent other than cheating on his wife, Gosselin appears to have a bright future as a pop star, professional athlete, or John Edwards.
Express has introduced a new line of men’s clothing called Producer Pants. Producer Pants are just like regular pants, except they come with a beret and you have to act like a giant douchebag when you wear them.
Police in South Mississippi found a man wandering around a church cemetery naked over the Christmas holidays. When police asked him for his I.D. the man said he was the Ghost of Christmas Horny.
