Stuff that’s gay but not necessarily homosexual.

When I was a kid, the term “gay” had a completely different meaning from what it does today. “Gay” meant not cool – it had nothing to do with sexual orientation. George Michael was cool in the 80′s; Ozzy Osbourne was gay. Today, people would say it’s the opposite. But a lot of people today are gay, which probably explains why the words got mixed up. We need to take back the term gay, and return it to its original – and proper – meaning. I am starting the process with this blog entry. Listed below are a few things that are absolutely, 100% gay in my book. By gay, I mean not cool. I will update the list frequently, whenever I encounter things that are gay. And please don’t bother sending me hate mail, or complaining about the fact that I’m using hurtful or hateful language. Political correctness is gay, and you should know better. So here goes – my list of Stuff That’s Gay But Not Necessarily Homosexual:

1) Beer towers – Anyone who drinks beer out of a Snow Cone machine is probably two beers away from getting Iced, which is the next gayest trend in alcohol consumption. Beer should be consumed from a bottle, can, or paper bag. Anything fancier is unnecessary and gay.

2) “Farm-to-Table” – According to the Oxford Online Dictionary, Farm-to-Table is defined as “$18 for carrots.” Anyone who spends that much money on food is either dumb, gay, or both. Save your money and go to Market Basket, where the food also comes from a farm and ends up on your table, but at half the price.

3) Whole Foods – Here’s a fun game you can play the next time you’re at Whole Foods: “Find the Minority.” And you can’t cheat; you can’t just grab the Haitian girl stocking the shelves and go “Here she is, I found her!” Any food store with this many white people is gay. Simple as that.

4) Tattoos – Tattoos are the new Johnny Cash – something that was cool before gay people ruined it. The only people who should have tattoos are bikers, punks and skins, aborigines, and Auschwitz survivors. If you’re angry at your parents, you can do other things with your body: drugs, abusive relationships, porn. Tattoos are NOT for you, no matter how angry you think you are.

5) The Tea Party – See Whole Foods, above. Any political movement with this many white people is gay. Denouncing the federal government while collecting a social security check? Also gay.

To be continued……