Words

Stuff that’s gay but not necessarily homosexual.

April 11, 2011 1 Comment

When I was a kid, the term “gay” had a completely different meaning from what it means today. “Gay” meant not cool – it had nothing to do with sexual orientation. George Michael was cool in the 80′s; Ozzy Osbourne was gay. Today, it’s the opposite. But a lot of people are gay today, which is probably how the words got mixed up. Listed below are a few things that are absolutely, 100% gay in my book. By gay, I mean not cool. I will update the list from time to time, whenever I encounter things that are gay. Don’t bother sending me hate mail, or complaining about the fact that I’m using hurtful or hateful language. Political correctness is gay, and you should know better! So here goes – my list of Stuff That’s Gay But Not Necessarily Homosexual:

1) Beer towers – Anyone who drinks beer out of something that looks like a snow cone machine is probably two beers away from getting Iced, which is the next gayest thing you can do with booze. Beer should be consumed from a bottle, can, or paper bag. Anything fancier is unnecessary and gay.

2) “Farm-to-Table” – According to the Oxford Dictionary, Farm-to-Table is defined as “$18 for carrots.” Anyone who spends that much on food is dumb, gay, or both. Save your money and go to Market Basket, where the food also comes from a farm and ends up on your table, but at half the price.

3) Whole Foods – Here’s a fun game you can play the next time you’re at Whole Foods: “Find the Minority.” And you can’t cheat; you can’t just grab the Haitian girl stocking the shelves and go “Here she is, I found her!” Any food store with this many white people is gay. Simple as that.

4) Tattoos – Tattoos are the new Johnny Cash – something that was cool before gay people ruined it. The only people who should have tattoos are bikers, punks, aborigines, and Auschwitz survivors. If you’re angry at your parents, you can do other things with your body: drugs, abusive relationships, porn. Tattoos are NOT for you, no matter how angry or cool or hip you think you are.

5) The Tea Party – See Whole Foods, above. Any political movement with this many white people is gay. Denouncing the federal government while collecting a social security check? Also gay.

To be continued……

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1 Comment to "Stuff that’s gay but not necessarily homosexual."

  1. Anne Langston

    April 23, 2012

    Do you mean to tell me that that black people don”t care about their health? Perhaps they don’t apply for jobs in whole food stores. Why? They’re not excluded as are white people from some places. Who knows?
    I don’t call a business that hires many black people ‘gay.’ There are quite a few places which I frequent, and until now have paid not one bit of attention to the fact that mostly black people worked there!
    About the word “gay.” Until I began teaching, I didn’t know that the word was bastardized to mean anything except a wonderful, light-hearted, FUN time which I or other people enjoyed. As a singer, I learned a lot of songs using that word to mean just that. Also, my first cousin whose name was Gayle was called “Gay” by the whole family from the time she was born–you know, short for Gayle. We certainly did not mean she (a mother of three) was a homosexual!

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